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Homer vs. Lisa

HOMER vs. LISA QUOTES


#17 Orphan Talk [Lisa is worried about her science project]
Homer: Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.
Lisa: Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.
Homer: Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

#16 Latin
Lisa: That's Latin dad; the language of Plutarch.
Homer: Mickey Mouse's dog?

#15 Trying...
Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

#14 Loneliness...
Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

#13 Promises...
Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt it public again
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time, I really would.

#12 Chinese
Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity.

#11 Reasons
Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

#10 Sublimanimal
Lisa: Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: [in addled complete agreement] Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

#9 Gamblor!
Lisa: [about her state costume] I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We must save your mother from his neon claws!

#8 John Deere
Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

#7 Vassar
Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Harvard. (Bitterly): At THIS rate I won’t even get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

#6 Muppet
Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.

#5 Whiskey Bottle
Homer: You have to take all that rage and push it down inside to be released at the right moment, like when Daddy hit that referee in the head with a whiskey bottle. Do you remember that honey? When Daddy hit the referee with the whiskey bottle?
Lisa: (small voice) Yeah
Homer: Yeah

#4 Vegetarian
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

#3 Picking Many a Bean [This one works because of their tones of voice]
Homer: [sarcastic] All right, Lisa, you got your way. Your Mom's going to a psychiatrist. She's going to tell Marge to leave me. It'll break up the family and you'll have to live with your grandmother and pick beans.
Lisa: Dad, I like picking beans with Gramma.
Homer: Well, keep it up, then.
Lisa: [sarcastic] OK, I will.
Homer: Good. You do that.
Lisa: Fine.
Homer: You'll be picking many a bean.
Lisa: Hope I do.


#2 Perspicacity
Lisa: Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaa!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

And the Number one Homer/Lisa quote….

#1 Rhetorical...
Ma Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do “I” know what "rhetorical" means?

Harriet's Homerisms


I’ve been working on a bunch of Simpsons Quote Lists, such as Religious quotes, Homer vs. Lisa, Homer vs. Marge, Homer vs. his own brain, etc. You can’t imagine how long it’s taking to go through all the relevant quotes, not to mention ranking the list in any semblance of order. In the meantime, longtime friend (and recent foe) to the Hyperion Nation, Harriet, has written in with her top ten Homer quotes. Since she was the only one who took pity on me and tried to help, I’m running her list even though the two of us have an ongoing feud (who would win in a fight between a mongoose and a Tasmanian devil). So thanks Harriet, and I liked your hair.

HARRIET’S TOP TEN HOMER QUOTES

Some memorable quotes may be more famous, “Ask not what your country can do for you…”; and some memorable quotes may have been around longer,” I cannot tell a lie”; but who, I ask you is more quotable than Homer? (Simpson, of course). Here are my top ten most quotable Homerisms:

10: “Stupid___________!” ( you can fill in the blank. In almost every episode Homer is confounded by something or someone for which his only response is to call them stupid) [Hyperion’s note: one of my favorite instances of this is when Homer gets a house under the sea, and when some fish steal his lawn furniture Homer says, “Stupid Flounders!”]

9: “Marjorie, please” ( In his most superior and condescending tone, right before her untaken advice turns out to have been correct)

8: “That would be some kind of miracle animal!” ( said to Lisa when she informed him that ham, pork chops, and bacon all come from the same animal)

7: “The mail! The mail is here!” (My husband has this as his email alert at work)

6: In one episode Homer has a near death experience and a lengthy discussion

with God ensues. At the end, Homer asks God, “What is the meaning of life?” God tells Homer he will have to wait till he dies and Homer complains about having to wait. God asks, “you can’t wait six months?” and Homer says, ”no, tell me now.”

5: “Saxamaphone”

4: “Food goes in here”

3: That gurgling sound Homer makes when thinking of food, “uhglglngh…”

2: “I am so smart! I am so smart. S-M-R-T….I mean S-M-A-R-T.” ( sung by Homer congratulating himself on being so smart)

Oops, I miscounted

2: “Ooooo!” (an exclamation of delight)

And, ( drum roll) the number one most quotable Homerism:

1: “Doh!”

Up Next: Homer and Lisa quotes

Bart's Crank Calls

One of the best running gags is Bart’s Crank Calls to Moe the Bartender. Moe almost never seems to catch on.

BART’S TOP TEN CRANK CALLS TO MOE

#10 Mike Rotch – the PG version stolen from PORKY’S, but still very funny.

#9 Oliver Clothesoff – There’s one Russian dude I wouldn’t mind seeing.

#8 Al Coholic – I’d say at that tavern the chances of finding one are pretty good.

#7 Jacques Strap – Moe’s reply: “Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap! Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap. It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!”

#6 Bea O’Problem – “Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?”
Barney says "You sure do!"
”Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!”

#5 Heywood U. Cuddleme – This time it was a telegram: “Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?”
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
”Oh, do, that little, ooh...I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!”

#4 Hugh Jass – One of the few times things didn’t work out, since he was there and took the call!

#3 At this point, is Bart even trying? “Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.”

#2 Homer Sexual – I guess it wasn’t one of those bars: “Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!”
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
”Oh, no...You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!”

And the number one crank call

#1 Amanda Huggenkiss – Ladies and gentlemen, once again I present Moe: “Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?” and Barney gives the immortal reply: “Maybe your standards are too high!” Classic.

Up Next: How should I know? still no one sends me lists. I'll do my best to come up with something Simpsony

More Simpsons Week!

I keep hoping more people will send in Simpsons Top Ten Lists, but even if they don’t, I don’t care. I love The Simpsons and I’m running these lists. So there! Today we have Bear’s List, including more honorable mentions than USMC graduation speech.

HONORABLE MENTION: The Telltale Head; Homer at the Bat; Kamp Krusty; Marge vs. the Monorail; Brother from the Same Planet; The Last Temptation of Homer; Itchy and Scratchy Land; Lemon of Troy; Bart Sells His Soul; King-Size Homer; Mother Simpson; Homer's Enemy; The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show; Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment; Brother's Little Helper; The Secret War of Lisa Simpson; E-I-E-I-(ANNOYED GRUNT); Insane Clown Poppy; Lisa the Tree Hugger; Homer vs. Dignity

10. New Kids on the Blecch
It was hard to pick this one over some others, but the music video is downright hilarious and pushes it over the top.

9. Bart the Genius
From the first season and a little rough around the edges, but still one of the best episodes. Despite the early popular perception of the Simpsons being an amoral show featuring the delinquent Bart, this one actually has Bart displaying some strong family values. The discussions in the gifted class are priceless and chock full of parody.

8. Lisa's Substitute
More Asbestos! More Asbestos! We get to see why Lisa is the way she is.

7. Who Shot Mr. Burns?
This is actually two episodes clumped into one. I think it's the only cliffhanger the Simpsons have ever ended a season with, and pretty much just classic Simpsons fare, with all the key players involved in one way or another.

6. Mr. Plow
One of the most enjoyable of Homer's crackpot schemes, that name again, is "Mr. Plow".

5. Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
The Simpsons as a family unit are exposed in this Mary Poppins spoof.

4. The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson
One of THE funniest episodes of all time. Everything you want from Homer you get here, so pour yourself a crab juice and check it out.

3. Lisa the Skeptic
I like this one a lot because not only is it funny, but it addresses a very important topic that not too many prime-time shows, at least at the time, touched on: belief.

2. Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
Mr. Burns turns Cruella DeVille and wants to make Santa's Little Helper's pups into a vest, sparking one of the best musical parodies of all time.

And…

1. Homerpalooza
"How the hell DO you be cool?" I never thought of myself as being part of the "cool" crowd, although I had my fair share of teenage angst, and I think everyone at one point or another can relate to the stuff going on in the episode. There are so many good lines. "I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich." Thankfully, they focus on Homer and the general social aspects without giving too much time to one or another of the many guest stars.


Up Next: More Simpsons. I don’t have any more lists, so I’m kind of curious myself what will show up here. Come back tomorrow and find out. And for the love of Jebus, tell a friend to come too!

Simpsons Week Begins!

Simpsons week was supposed to start last Monday, but only one person had turned in a Top Ten List. By now only one more person did (and I had to threaten to marry his twin sisters to get him to do that), but I don’t care. I can’t wait any longer: Simpsons week starts now!

It may actually take longer than a week, as I have all sorts of cool Top Ten Lists planned, including more Simpsons quotes than you can shake a drinking bird at. If you’re interested in participating drop me a line. I just might let you make a list too.

Anyway, we start off with Eisley, the very first one to get back to me. Only two of his ten would make my list, but reading over it I smiled at every one.

10. Homer Versus God - "No Offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been in the back taking a whiz." Such a great classic episode

9. Bart's Gang goes to the World's Fair - Two of the classic Nelson lines. "Yeah, but on the plus side, I knocked over the Sun Sphere." and "Wow, you didn't think he'd play Moon River, then BAM! Triple Encore!!!"

8. Springfield's Film Festival - A great cameo for Jay Sherman, the critic. A lot of great, funny lines. "Well, Barney's movie was deep and moving, but football in the groin had a football in the groin" and "I was saying boo-urns."

7. Homer In Space - "Alright! the two greatest words in the English language, De Fault De Fault De Fault!" and of course "In Rod we Trust."

6. All of the Tree House of Horror Episodes - Just because they are incredibly awesome and a great break away from everyday Simpsons.

5. Duncan the Diving Horse - Because it's comic book guy's real turn to shine. "Worst Episode Ever" T-shirts should be available everywhere

4. Who Shot Mr. Burns Part 1 and 2 - I mean really, who saw it coming? And be honest people.

3. Homer Goes to College - “I don't understand how the meltdown happened. There was no nuclear material in that van."

2. Dr. Homer's Spine-O-Cylinder - "Patent pending!"

and…

1. Homer meet his brother - "Oh my God, It's drinking the water!"

Next Up: more Simpsons. Yay!

Monday was supposed to mark the beginning of two weeks of Simpsons' Top Ten Lists. As part of that, I asked several people to submit their top ten episodes, while I worked on the quotes.

Only one person got back to me with his list by Sunday evening, the date I asked for them. I have no idea if the others changed their minds and decided not to do them or ills befell each one, but I didn't want to start in with the one list I did get and be left holding my website in my hand, if you follow me.

I have a few other Top Ten Lists more or less ready to go, but I was all geeked up for Simpsons. So, what I'm going to do is look into the others and (hopefully, he said with fingers crossed) start the Simpsons Fortnight next Monday. Check back to this site then.

In the meantime, I might as well open it up to others. Are you a Simpsons fan? Would you like to submit a Top Ten List? Email me and we'll see if we can work something out.

I'll see you all back here next Monday, and we'll try this again.

Hot Old Chicks 3 (40+)

Continued from the previous two days....


The forty-somethings are the toughest yet. Again, I’ve broken the decade down into two categories.




THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN AGE 45-49



#5 Patricia Heaton (47) – How is it possible that she’s 47? Every single year of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND she got better looking. At this rate Patricia will be a supermodel by 60.



#4 Dana Delany (49) - Those eyes…they just sparkle. And she’s into leather, if you know what I mean..



#3 Mimi Rogers (49) – For my money, the best girl Tom Cruise ever hooked up with (first wife). Mimi just has this self-possession about her that a younger woman can’t touch.



#2 Holly Hunter (47) – Anyone who still gets naked at this age deserves our love. And the girl can act. Holly Hunter is the TOTAL package. I wish she’d teach me piano lessons.

And the number one woman age 45-49….



#1 Sela Ward (49) – The thing about Seal Ward isn’t how hot she is (she is), but how she owns her sexuality. There’s a confidence about her that is just magnetic. She doesn’t seem to be afraid to be a woman, and to respond to those around her. Flat out looks or body a younger girl might have her beat, but is there anyone in the 20-30 set with this much sex appeal?

[Honorable Mention: Angela Bassett, Katie Couric, Geena Davis]



THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN AGE 40-44



#5 Demi Moore (43) – I’m not the world’s biggest fans, but facts are facts. This girl is a hard-body on par with a 23 year old. I cannot figure out how she does it.



#4 Mariska Hargitay (42) – I swear this woman is getting younger. When I first saw SVU I wasn’t a big fan of hers, but she keeps getting prettier and her hair….sigh. I love her toughness and concealed sexiness. She can frisk me any time.



#3 Julianne Moore (43) – First of all, Julianne gets naked in almost every movie. I read in an interview she feels that it’s the most honest an actor can be on camera. Works for me. Second, this girl is in shape. More cerebrally, Julianne is always in control and powerful, which makes her very sexy.



#2 Teri Hatcher (40), Marcia Cross (43) – I’ll admit Hatcher is better looking and obviously has that killer body, but Cross ties her on the list because she is so freaking sexy. I watch DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, and even though Eva Longoria is hot and all, it’s these two how pique my interest.

And the number one hottest woman on the planet over 40…..



#1 Diane Lane (40) – See the movie UNFAITHFUL and you my friend will understand. Just like Sela Ward, it’s not as if she’s the prettiest woman on the list, but her sex appeal, the way she is a woman and doesn’t EVER let you forget, this is what makes Diane Lane top the list. Whenever she looks at the camera, it’s like she’s begging me to pull her hair and….sigh. Maybe one day.

[Honorable Mention: Melissa Gilbert, Gina Gershon, Vanessa Williams, Sandra Bullock]

Hope you enjoyed. It’s been suggested I do the same thing for men. I’m not adverse to this, but the research into these women’s ages and so forth took several hours. Not sure I want to do that for men, but if someone else wants to spearhead the leg-work, I’m game. In the meantime….




Up next: Part one of our tribute to The Simpsons




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Hot Old Chicks 2 (50+)

Continued from yesterday....


There were a lot more hot 50+ chicks than I thought, so I split the decade in two.





THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN AGED 55-59



#5 Bette Midler (59) – I’m not what you call a Midler fan (although I do a mean version of the Devil singing “Wind Beneath my Wings”), but facts are facts. At 59, Bette still looks fabulous. How does she do it? By being friends with gay people. You think about that, all you haters.



#4 Phylicia Rashad (57) and Meredith Baxter (58) – I admit; I’ve always been in love with these two TV Moms (COSBY and FAMILY TIES), but it’s amazing to me how well preserved they are. And still hot! What’s up with that?



#3 Sigourney Weaver (55) – What is up with this girl? She never seems to age? She can still kick alien ass, and then look hot if need be. Truly amazing.



#2 Jessica Lange (56) – So underrated for her hotness, but she keeps getting better and better. She needs to do more sexy movies because boy, is she capable!

And the number one woman 55-59……





#1 Suzanne Sommers (58) – Just a freak of nature. She looks 42, tops and that body? Thank you thigh-master.

[Honorable Mention: Cybill Shepherd, Joan Lunden, Pam Grier]


Now, the other half of the decade



THE TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN AGE 50-54




#5 Kim Basinger (51) – She’s not my favorite actress in the world, but I have to admit she’s pretty freaking good looking even now.



#4 Ellen Barkin (51) – Remember SEA OF LOVE? She’s not that hot anymore, but she’s pretty close. Even better: Barkin keeps her sex appeal close to hand. Amazing.



#3 Shohreh Aghdashloo (53) – Some of you may not be aware of this chick from HOUSE OF SAND AND FOG, but maybe it will help out if I mention she was the terrorist mom last season in 24. Shohreh is what you call “classy sexy.” I’d take her over most women half her age any day of the week (and two or three times on Sunday).



#2 Jane Seymour (54) – Any question about Seymour was answered in WEDDING CRASHERS when, at this late age, she goes topless! First of all, she makes the list for just doing it (although thankfully, that didn’t work for Kathy Bates), but Seymour has always been sexy to me. In fact, even though I’m slowly becoming a Rachel McAdams fan, I might have chose the mom instead. But maybe that’s me.

And the number one woman age 50-54……



#1 Rene Russo (51) – I used to not be a big Russo fan. She was pretty and all, but there was something…I don’t know. However, since THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR I’ve been a big fan (and of course her nudity helped my opinion; let that be a lesson to you women: being naked around Hyperion will make him like you more. Write that down). Russo has that great laugh and her eyes sparkle. If you think about it, it’s actually shocking she’s this old. She’s probably make the 40 list.

[Honorable Mention: Mary Steenburgen, Beverly D’Angelo, Jane Pauley]



Up Next: Over 40





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Hot Old Chicks


Last night I’m watching the season premiere of HOUSE with my dad and sister (for a mini-review, check out MovieHype). Sela Ward was on the show, and we all were commenting how beautiful she is. It got me to wondering; who are the hottest oldest women?

I started looking into it, to see who the hottest women over 40 and 50 were. Unbelievable amount of research, and I’m still not done. However, I will have my over 50 list done by tomorrow. In the meantime, to be fair to all the Gilfs out there, I thought I’d look at over 60 and over 70, too, ‘cause some of those grandmas can bring it.



TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN OVER 70



#5 Gina Lollobrigida (78) – This chick is almost 80 and can still bring it. Unbelievable. What are they feeding you Italians?



#4 Barbara Eden (72) – She still looks good in those veils (but no word if she can still fit inside that lamp)



#3 Anouk Aimée (73) – At least the French can do something right



#2 Florence Henderson (71) – Koz will kill me; he’s still completely in love with her. My money still says the FAMILY TIES mom was the hottest ever, but Koz insists on Carol from THE BRADY BUNCH. I’ve already done the Best TV Moms; maybe I should do the hottest?

And the number one hottest woman over 70 is……



#1 Sophia Loren (71) – She once said (about her famous callipygian and Callimastian body), “Everything I have I owe to bread.” I say Pass the butter.





TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN OVER 60


Honorable Mention – Dian Parkinson (60) Tina Turner (65) Lauren Hutton (62, and would be #2, except for the gap in her teeth)



#5 Ursula Andress (69) – I didn’t even know about this chick until I started doing research for this list. Why wasn’t I told?



#4 Jacqueline Bisset (61) – This girl could still play 44, which is saying something. I’ll never forget her Josephine in a NAPOLEON miniseries. Set my young heart aflutter.



#3 Ann-Margret (64) – I think my best memory of her is when she was on THE FLINTSTONES. Pebbles sure fell hard for her.



#2 Helen Mirren (60) – I got to admit; this chick wasn’t on my radar until CALENDAR GIRLS, in which Mirren is the only one brave enough to be naked a couple of times. She’s stacked! And I’m in love.

And the number one hottest woman over 60 is…..

#1 Raquel Welch (65) – This isn’t even a contest. Have you seen ONE MILLION B.C.? She still looks that good. More importantly, they’re not sagging!

Up next: Over 50




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TV Pilots

Most TV shows are not just made right from word Go. They first shoot what’s called a pilot, and based on that, they get picked up or not. Pilots are often far different from what the show will eventually look like, as they retool certain characters and plotlines. (The best recent example of this was the pilot for C.S.I., which had Brass as a bad guy and Grissom as a fun-loving dude instead of the melancholy he became. For more information on pilots please go over the in Institute page, as I have included a column from two years ago about how TV shows are made.)

I thought I would list the 10 best Pilots. Most of these—almost all, in fact—were shows completely different from anything that had been done before. And some of them were “good” in the genre they came from, totally redefining it. A good Pilot doesn’t always make a good series, but it’s sure a good start.

THE TOP TV PILOTS OF ALL TIME

Honorable Mention: ALF – I only mention this because the Pilot was so different and fresh, and the show went so far downhill so quickly. Clearly this was a TV movie, not a show, but it did make a great first impression.

#10 C.S.I. – Most of you probably didn’t even see it when it first came on, but C.S.I. took procedurals to a whole new level. Also present from Day 1: the graphic visuals of going into the body, following the bullet, knife wound or disease. Going back to watch the Pilot now you can really see the sea change that hit American TV started right here.

#9 FRIENDS – Watching the Pilot now is almost painful with how much the characters have grown, but people forget how landmark this was. A sitcom had yet to focus completely on six different people equally; SEINFELD was the only thing that came close. The model of young sophisticated New Yorkers (make that white New Yorkers) would quickly become a trend bordering on overkill, but remember, FRIENDS got here first.

#8 DAWSON’S CREEK – This was the first show to really “get” their teen market in a long time. Months before the show aired the producers ran commercials in movie previews; common now but unheard of before DC. When the show finally aired it was a teenage melodrama, but much more cleverly and edgy than I think anyone even expected. Heck; I even watched it, (although I said I was just spending time with my sisters).

#7 PRETENDER – To this day I’m surprised the show didn’t do better, and can’t figure if NBC didn’t market it right, or just couldn’t find an audience. The concept was a man so intelligent and highly trained that he can “pretend” to do almost literally anything. Of course, that secret government organization would like him back. The Pilot was fresh, scary, sexy, and full of promise. And for awhile, PRETENDER delivered.

#3 (tie) DARK ANGEL – In the year 2009, America is just another broke ex-superpower, after terrorists have detonated a nuke in the atmosphere and wiped out all the computers, and hence America’s wealth. Into that scenario steps Max, bred by a secret government organization (who else?) to be the ultimate fighting machine. Max escaped when she was 9, and has been on the run ever since. To make ends meet, Max is a cat burglar, since her genetic modifications allow her extra strength speed and agility. Perhaps most important, Max was played by a then unknown Jessica Alba, and she delivered. This show was if for a year, then got off track, but what a Pilot.

#3 (tie) 24 – Nothing had been seen on TV like this for years. Jack Bauer, Federal Agent, has just entered a very bad day, a day in which his wife and daughter will be kidnapped and terrorized, he will try to shoot a presidential candidate to save them, and then end up saving that very same man several times. And the first episode all happened in one hour of real time. Complete with that freaky music as the clock drug on, 24 was a total adrenaline rush. I remember my sister and her friend calling me each commercial freaking out. Such good times (and 24’s still going strong).

#3 (tie) ALIAS – The Pilot was 69 minutes, without commercials (I remember because I was upset it cut into some show on another channel later, a show I can’t even recall). But in those 69 minutes; unbelievable. Sydney finds out that the CIA she’s working for is NOT the CIA when her fiancé is killed for Sydney betraying the secret. Then Sydney decides TO betray the evil group she works for, only to find out the only other person who knows is another double agent, who’s also her father. You’d do yourself well to rent Season One of ALIAS and learn what the fuss is all about.

#3 (tie) LOST – Ditto for LOST. In fact, you might want to do it NOW, before Season 2 starts. I can’t recommend ANYTHING better, and I personally guarantee you’ll become a huge fan. The idea is that a plane crashes in the middle of the South Pacific, and the Pilot deals with those first two days looking for survivors. Except, this is no ordinary island……

#2 THE WONDER YEARS – I recently saw the Pilot again, and it reminded me how fantastic it was. The voice-over, which can seem cheesy in movies, was done perfectly, and helped capture that time frame. Fred Savage was wonderful, and when Winnie’s brother died in “Nam at the end of the episode your heart just broke. It’s hard to believe a Sit-com could be so funny and yet so sad.

And the number one pilot of all time…

#1 E.R. – The granddaddy of great pilots. Before E.R., the most exciting hour on Television was THE PEOPLE’S COURT. E.R. came in and showed us that a television program could be interesting and make us feel for characters, while pinning us to our seat with the adrenaline rush and fast pace. You can still find the Pilot in most video stores, if you want to see what the show was like before all the heaps of Boring in recent years. For about five years E.R. was truly appointment Television, and it started with Episode 1.

Today's Top Ten list sucked. I tried to keep working on it, but finally gave up. However, tomorrow's is already written, and it's a good one, so be sure and check back.

In the meantime, over at the The Institute, make sure you check out today's "Best of" Chronicle.

Desserts (Part 2: non-frozen)

And now the Top Five non-frozen Desserts. You’ll note that I don’t include cheesecake on this list. That’s because cheesecake is idolatrous food, and only moral degenerates eat it.

#5 FUDGE – I like my fudge dense and gooey, not like a cake. Don’t mind caramel and nuts going through it too. Poorly made fudge is an abomination, but well-made fudge is a gift from the gods. (And I’m planning on getting some real soon.)

#4 CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER PIE (from Denny’s) – Perfection. After a hard day (night) of slaving over a hot table writing columns for you people, nothing hits the spot like a piece of that pie. The secret is the peanut butter makes it not too sweet. The servers like to pour caramel and nuts over it and some that whip cream out of the can. Good times.

#3 S’MORES – Marshmallows, chocolate, graham crackers, and a campfire. That’s S’mores, baby! I love how it all melts together in a gooey mess, almost too hot to eat. Heaven.

#2 GRAITCH – It’s hard to decide what makes Graitch so wonderful. Is it the ginger ale, which makes the jello fizz in your mouth like pop rocks? Is it the complimentary fruit, almost tart after the sweetness of the grape and peach? Or is it all the hard work that went into making the Graitch, that makes it all the tastier? Who knows? All I know is that Graitch rules. (To learn how to make Graitch, click here.)

and the number one non-frozen treat…

#1 Butterscotch Cake – If you know me, you know I’m not a cake person. There are many reasons for this (see the famous “Darth Vader” birthday party), but one of them is that cake is always so dry. Not so with butterscotch cake that my mom makes. The cakes not only has butterscotch and chocolate chips throughout, but the center is a butterscotch pudding. That makes the cakes moist, chewy, dense and extra wonderful. It’s the only cake I’ll eat and just about the best thing my mother makes; and that’s saying something.

Up next: Not sure. Batting around a couple of ideas with Laureate. Tune in tomorrow to see for sure.

Desserts (Part 1: Frozen)

Back From Vacation!!!


I thought I’d start with frozen desserts. This is a tough one and I don’t claim to have gotten every single great treat, but as my back hurts I had to do this quickly, and I stand by these five

#5 MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP DRUMSTICK – Who doesn’t like eating an ice cream cone? It’s a treat, and this is the best version. First you get mint chocolate chip ice cream, on a sugar cone coated in chocolate. There is also a chocolate coating over the ice cream, and to top it off (or bottom it off, as the case may be), inside the cone is a core of pure chocolate. Carlos and I used to get these every single day at Pizza Hut, and they were sinfully delicious.

#4 BLIZZARD – Back in the day these used to be very special, and still can be if done right. (Remember when Blizzards first came out, and after they made them the guy would hang the Blizzard upside down so you could see how frozen it was? I miss that.) My personal favorite was probably chocolate covered cherries, but I wasn’t against mixing, say Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup and Chocolate Banana. Mmmmm.

#3 CHIPWICH – Think about it: you’ve just filled up with gas, and you’re inside to pay for it, but you need something for the road. Obviously beef jerky is the best choice, but what if you need a frozen treat? A Chipwich just hits the spot. Two huge chocolate chip cookies with ice-cream in the middle, all covered in sweet chocolate chips? The gods themselves do tremble.

#2 POPSICLES – Perhaps the greatest invention America has ever given us. Popsicles fill a void in our lives that family and religion just can’t fill. Everyone agrees that Grape is the best flavor, but I’m also partial to blue raspberry, root beer, and even banana popsicles. Mighty good eatin’.

And the Number One Frozen Treat…

#1 HOMEMADE ICE CREAM – I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout those sissy electric ice cream makers that are so popular now (thank you very much, Food Network!); what I mean is the old-fashioned, crank-it-yourself until your arms feel all rubbery ice cream. No eggs in this baby. (Next time you buy ice cream take a look at the ingredients; eggs! That’s custard!!!!! But I digress.) One of my best memories growing up would be packing the rock salt and ice around the outside of the inner canister, and Mom would fill that bad boy up with the ingredients; milk, sugar, and maybe peaces, fresh strawberries, chocolate; you name it. All the hard work cranking that thing would make it taste extra good. (Of course as kids my dad had to do it, and we nearly had heart attacks in excitement waiting.) There’s absolutely nothing quite like it.

Up next: non-frozen treats