In honor of the upcoming World Series, I thought I would rank the team names, from worst to first. Note: I am not knocking the city, or the team itself, so keep ‘em from getting bunched up. What I am doing is objectively assessing how cool these team names really are:
Major League Team Names
#28 (tie) Atlanta BRAVES and Cleveland INDIANS - These two are here by default. I have written about this before and if challenged by some idiot am happy to do so again, but we are no longer in an age where teams like this are appropriate. Though not as offensive as the “Redskins,” both of these names need to be changed. The Braves are slightly better than the Indians, if only because “Brave” was a term of honor among Indians, and
#26 (tie) Boston RED SOX and Chicago WHITE SOX – You know, we talk about how much things change, but it really makes me gape to think that there was a time in American history when naming your team after hosiery was cool. These two teams have so much history that I think we tend to look past just how lame their mascots are. If we did it today, I would insist on the Boston Spanx (those toe-less pantyhose thingies) or possibly the leg warmers from Flashdance and Fame. What were they called?
#25
#24 San Diego PADRES – I’m pretty sure the Separation of Church and Baseball is somewhere in the Constitution. Having lived in
#23 Los Angeles DODGERS – The only good dodger should be Roger Dodger and the Artful Dodger. This name—originally from
#22 Cincinnati REDS – I’m hoping this is not another Indian name, and I’m guessing it was to support Communism (or Marlboros, for that matter), but naming a team after a color is not very imaginative, especially when that color is a primary one, and can mean so many different things to different people. I mean,
#21 Chicago CUBS – I have to imagine they came before the Bears; why not take that name?
#20 Colorado ROCKIES – Oh, I get it! How clever. When they were trying to name this team back in the early ‘90s I suggested the Colorado Mountain Goats, and was shot down. And by the way (since this is the first time it has come up), why name the team after an entire state? Who are you fooling? Anyway, I guess it could be worse, they could be the
#17 (tie) Toronto BLUE JAYS, Baltimore ORIOLES and St. Louis CARDINALS – Bird names feel kind of lazy to me, but if you are going there, why not pick cool fierce birds? Have any of these birds ever killed anyone?
#16 Florida Marlins – Again, what’s up with the whole State? They are in
#15 Tampa Bay Devil Rays – I like the idea of an aquatic creature that sounds this scary, but their logo is scaring nobody. Actually, now that I think about it, it would have been much cooler to put Ray Liotta, Ray Charles and Norma Rae on the logo with horns and scary eyes. In fact, they should still do this. Somebody send them this suggestion.
Up next: the top 14 Team names in Major League Baseball
