Today is International Top Ten List Day. Obviously, I need to come through for you people like never before. At the same time, I got an email from one of the Feminist groups I belong to that said, “Support the Women’s Movement.”
I emailed back: “Whenever possible, I always try to be behind the Women’s Movement. You appreciate it so much more that way.
I received a return email saying I was no longer a part of the group. I wrote them back, asking, “Why is it that ugly chicks never have a sense of humor?”
Anyway, I have been thinking about the Women’s Movement lately. Coming on the heels of my Ode to Jello Butt, I thought I would rank the Top 40 synonyms for the “Women’s Movement.”
Now, I want you to know that I tried as hard as I could to find alternative pictures for illustrations, and when that wasn’t possible, I tried to keep the assery artistic, with as many paintings as possible. Some of you might be offended, but if so, you don’t support the Women’s Movement. Thus, any bad comments I get are from people who hate all women, and are probably perverts. And with that…. We present
THE TOP 40 SYNONYMS FOR “THE WOMEN’S MOVEMENT”
{Not included: nates, prat, fourth-point, arse, clunes}
#40 Bum – I HATE this word used for butt, but Canadians are mad about it, so I include it for them.
#39 Tuchis – Along with “tush,” Yiddish for “underneath
#38 Tush – I included this picture mostly because my family is nuts about Ohio State, and I wanted to showcase the talent that fine university produces.
#37 Buns – Something your grandmother might say.
#36 Rump – I’ve never thought about it too closely, but what’s the real purpose of a Rumpus Room?
#35 Seat – I got nothing for this one. Oh, wait! “Have a seat.” Pretty good, huh?
#33 (tie) Aft and Stern – the rear of a boat. Likely to impress lusty sea wenches.
#32 Can – To me, Can is not sexy. Can is what you fall on, like this Miss USA hopeful. The only sexy exception I’ve ever found was in high school, reading the John Updike story “A&P.”
The one that caught my eye first was the one in the plaid green two-piece. She was a chunky kid, with a good tan and a sweet broad soft-looking can with those two crescents of white just under it, where the sun never seems to hit, at the top of the backs of her legs.
#31 Cheeks – How did DIRTY DANCING not have a “Dancing Cheek to Cheek” song somewhere in there?
#30 Crack – You owe me for skipping the obligatory plumber pic here. Owe me.
#29 Crease – Because of the hockey connection, do you think Canadian chicks like having it called a “crease”?
#28 Hams – I could be wrong, fellas, but you might not want to compliment your lady on her “hams.” Just sayin’.
#27 Haunches – that horse does not trust you. Maybe he’s seen CLERKS 2.
#26 Booty – I’ll be glad of the day we can retire this word. Until then, there’s the woman who’s responsible for the creation of “bootylicious.” (What? I’m going to have a Top Ten on butts and not include Jennifer? Please.)
#25 Hiney – It took me the longest time just to figure out how to spell this!
#24 Posterior – I once got “posterior” and “posterity” mixed up during an Art History lecture. If only this guy had been around!
#23 Hindquarters – In case you were wondering, those hindquarters belong to a rhinoceros, not Rosie.
#22 Breach – A breach is a rupture or a rip. Pretty creative, once you think about it.
#21 Cheeseburger – I first heard this watching THIRTEEN. Spoken by a girl, about her own all beef patties. I doubt anyone over 20 will jump on this one.
#20 Keister – The picture’s legit. Not only is it art, but the painting is by Roy C. Keister. No, really!
#19 Behind – I’m not sure why this picture came up on my google image search. I guess because the two women are “behind” the towers. For some reason it cracked me up. Get it? Cracked me up?
#18 Bottom – Question: would gambling specialty hookers ever bet their bottom dollar?
#17 Rear – “Rear” never seemed sexy to me. More like “get your rear in gear.” However, the lovely and sexy Grace Kelly was in REAR WINDOW, so that works.
#16 Culo – Latin slang. Sometimes offensive, but not in Spain, so that’s the one we’re picking. Seems only fair we showcase a Latina, so I give you Vida.
#15 Gluteus Maximus – There just HAS to be a Roman-era porn movie about this guy, right? “On my signal, unleash lube!”
#14 Back End – I’ve been trying to think of a “back end of the catalog” joke for an hour and am finally giving up. I predict big things for the kid. Maybe politics.
#13 Dumper – A dumper is what you see above (modified dump truck), and Dumper is British slang. How can British women be okay with this?
#12 Backside – I wonder what the model for this painting was thinking about while she sat in that chair?
#11 Derriere – Well, there really was no other type of picture for this one.
#10 Trunk – Take a look at that tree trunk. It may not be the Virgin Mary in a taco, but it’s darn close!
#9 Fanny – Now, before you hate on the picture; it’s actual historical thing, from the first erotic novel, Fanny Hill. I present it here to you as history. On another note, why would parents name their girl Fanny?
#8 Fundament – The fundament is the base of a structure, what holds it up. In addition, you could tell a woman, “Baby, you put the fun back in fundament” and maybe even get away with it.
#7 Badonkadonk – I’m not making this up; the onomatopoeic sound a woman with a large butt makes when walking.
#6 Butt – You can’t get mad at me; it’s a Nike Women’s advertisement! Long live sport.
#5 Tail – I’m guessing “get some tail” has a whole different meaning in the Furry community
#4 Caboose – Don’t know why. I just like it. By the way, as this picture illustrates, always keep your caboose clean.
#3 Ass – that’s a Democrat for you…..
#2 Rococo – Actually, more of an adjective. From the French art-style that spawned these paintings. They developed a whole new aesthetic. Thankfully, naked ladies were part of it.
And the number one synonym for the Women’s Movement is…..
#1 Callipygian – Another adjective, but an awesome one. Callipygian means the beautiful shape of a woman’s butt. Did you know the Hyperion Institute’s full name is The Hyperion Institute for Callimastian/Callipygian/Kickassian Studies? And you thought we had no culture.
That’s it; we’re done. No ifs, ands, or….well, you know.
Sure, deck your limbs in pants,
Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
You look divine as you advance . . .
Have you seen yourself retreating?
-Ogden Nash
That's the End?
