Today we have a special list: the Secretly-tough ass-kicking contest. The way it will work is: #10 and #9 fight, and then #9 and #8 fight, and so on. #1 is therefore the toughest.
The Secretly-Tough
#10 SNUGGLE BEAR – He’s not actually tough, but since I hate him I wanted to put him here so he’d be whooped by everybody. Snuggle Bear loses to…
#9 Richard Pryor – even with MS Pryor wipes the floor with the fluffy loser. As a bonus, Pryor cusses Snuggle into a corner, cowering. Richard Pryor then loses to…
#8 Katie Couric - She’s little, but she’s quick. Plus, she fights dirty. Two minutes in she steals Pryor’s crutches, and the match is soon over. Katie Couric then loses to…
#7 Joni Mitchell - She’s been knocked around by Love (on both sides now), and it’s made her a bitter vindictive bitch. The match is pretty even until Joni whomps Katie over the head with her guitar. RIP. Joni Mitchell then loses to…
#6 Captain Crunch – Though he may seem old and fuddy, Crunch used to be a pirate, and he has no trouble knocking Joni around. (Bonus: after treating her bad, she then writes a pining love song for him). Captain Crunch then loses to…
#5 The Count - This one is over quickly. The Count has mad skillz. As he jumps up and down on the Capn’s Crunchberries he yells, “I will kick your ass one, two, three times; HA HA HA HA.” The Count then loses to…
#4 Elvis – The best fight of the match so far, no quarter is asked for, and none given. Both gladiators give it their all, with Elvis finally prevailing when the Count falls for a hip-shake fake and slips on the King’s sweat. In victory he’s gracious, saying, “Thank you very much.” Elvis then loses to…
#3 Mother Theresa - Normally we’d give Elvis the upper hand, but he’s tired from the Count. Still, the match is tight until Mother Theresa pulls out a rule and slaps Elvis down hard. Mother Theresa then loses to…
#2 Falkor (the big dog from NEVER-ENDING STORY) – First of all, Mother Theresa is 4 feet tall, whereas Falkor is about 40 feet long. Secondly, Mother Theresa can’t fly. Falkor can. Game, set, and match. Falkor looks unstoppable, until he steps into the ring with…
#1 Gandhi - Or as his friends call him, “The seething cauldron of rage.” Little known fact: Gandhi used to run the Indian Mafia (The Jodhpur Jackals). Then he did the whole peace thing, but he never lost his taste for blood. Falkor gives it a go, but Gandhi narrows his eyes and soon it’s a Falkor-skinned rug in Gandhi’s den.
That’s it, folks. Hope you enjoyed it. If you have any other ideas, be sure to let us know.
Special thanks to: Pedro and Taisie
Up next: best and worst TV moms
