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Long Live the Stache!

The Top 5 'Stache Professions

#5 - Old West Sheriff

#4 - European Dictator

#3 - '70s Cop

#2 - Porn Star

#1 - Your Lover

[This comes from TV Warrior - where The Feather of God (who has his own Twitter Feed!) was explaining why you should watch the Good Guys]

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A friend was talking about Turkey Bacon, and this got me to thinking about what animals would make good bacon. Of course, with my love of Portmanteauing words, I couldn't just say Monkey-Bacon or Poodle-Bacon or Beaver-Bacon; I had to meld the words together!

I came up with my favorites, not based on any realistic attempt to figure out what they'd taste like (after all, could any be worse than turkey bacon?), but rather, how much Total Awesome it is to say the hybrid words! (Remember: the goal is to end with "aycon" in each word, which means some of the pronunciations are truly wild.)

Honorable Mention: Octopacon, Pelicacon, Orangatacon, Aardvakon, Marmotacon, Kangaracon, Buffalacon

Dishonorable Mention:  Chihuahuacon (Chew-WAH-Way-cun) - Would there be anything but arrogant gristle?

The Top 10 Animals with Great-Sounding Bacon Names


#10  Marmotacon (Mar-muh-TAY-cun) - Never met a Marmot yet that wanted to be made into bacon, and this dude looks 'spicious as well.


#9  Armadillacon (Ar-mah-duh-LAY-cun) - He don't look too keen on us frying him up, either. (Pronouncing Armadillacon makes me very glad that Al Qaeda isn't reading this.)


#8  Giraffacon (Jer-ah-Fay-cun) -  I wonder if Giraffe bacon doesn't hiss when you fry it? (see, Giraffes don't make noise and...ah, never mind.)


#7  Elephacon (ell-eh-FAY-cun) -  Sounds like a sultry jazz singer, which is what bacon should taste like!  By the way, you never forget to take Elephacon out of the oven. (see, because an ele...never mind.)


#5  Porcupacon (Por-cue-Pay-cun) - The Bacon of rebellion.


#5  Butterflacon (Buh-ter-Flay-cun) You gotta admit, as words go, it sounds delicious!


#4  Rinoceracon (RYE-naw-ser-RAY-cun) - They say a rhino's horn is an aphrodisiac.  What would rhino bacon do to a man?


#3  Salamandacon (SAL-uh-man-DAY-cun) - Saying this reminds me of saying Nelson Mandela (and a little bit of saying Solomon Grundy...and also Mandingo.) A surprisingly versatile bacon!


#2  Chupacabracon (CHOO-puh-cah-BRAY-cun)- No one has ever seen one of these so Light only knows what they look like, but I bet they make exotic bacon. I just thought of something....Tyrannosacon!

and the number one great-sounding Animal Bacon name is.....


#1  Hippopotamacon (Hip-oh-paw-tuh-May-cun) - Full disclosure: I'm also working on a TV show about a pygmy hippo with my sister (working WITH my sister; she's not in the show with the hippo), so I was more inclined to be favorable toward the Hippo.  Look at the Hippo in the picture; don't you just want to slice off a piece and get your bacon on?

June 1, 2010

- Huge thanks to Jadriana for finding all the pictures for me
- Aren't you impressed I didn't make a vulgar joke about Beaver-Bacon?  I know!
- When looking for pix for this, I ran into this doozy of a hippo (sortakinda NSFW)

Check out More Top Ten Lists at Rank Everything

And if you still can't get enough Bacon - buy one of these things and I get a small %, which I will use on bacon, natch.



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