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Mistletoe Melodies



#13 Baby It's Cold Outside (Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey) - I had never heard of this song until a year ago when Dragon mentioned it to me. I wanted to give you the Ray Charles version, but Dragon is a HUUUUGE Jessica Simpson fan.


#12 Please Come Home For Christmas (Bon Jovi) - I like this better than the Eagles' version. Plus, Cindy Crawford is in the video.


#11 Christmas - Baby Please Come Home (Mariah Carey) - One thing I noticed is how similar many of the titles are. Certain words used over and over as well.  (Think about it.) Mariah really knows how to belt this out.


#10 Merry Christmas Baby (Elvis) - I'm no Elvis fan, so you can take my word for it that he achieved his three entries on this list by pure merit. I can't prove this, but Elvis might well have been the Gateway to thinking about Christmas in a sexy way. That's a legacy, baby.As for the video....there is something...disturbingly hot about listening to Elvis sing while watching Anime pics!


#9 Christmas Time is Here (Michale Altamirano) - This is otherwise known as the Charlie Brown Christmas Song. It's the saddest Christmas song I have ever heard, and that just seems to do something for me. How messed up am I? (I couldn't find a lyrical version I liked, so I have an instrumental arrangement. It's amazing.)


#8 Last Christmas (Wham) - My friend Koz begged me to use the Hilary Duff version, but I refused to budge. Everyone loves Wham, right? On another note, this bitch (in the song) really broke George Michael's heart. (Or to be more accurate, she gave his heart away, the very next day, no less.) Anyway, I was thinking, what if this was the traumatic event that sent George over to Elton John's team? (Yes, I realize that most gay people are likely born that way, but it's possible that in George's case it was because of a broken heart, right? Add to that the girl from Father Figure, and it's no wonder he switched to all-wheel drive. I'm just sayin'....)


#7 I'll Be Home for Christmas (Karen Carpenter) - Is there a better female pop singer in the 20th Century than Karen Carpenter? I say no, although I would be willing to discuss. One thing is for sure: she knocks this song out of the park. I just realized it's kind of sad, too. Why am I finding all this sadness sexy? If I'm not careful "someone" will start licking my tears.


#6 The Christmas Song or Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (Nat King Cole) - My mom does musical therapy for Alzheimer's patients (and other old folks) in several retirement and nursing homes. She told me that the number one request this month (after the obvious White Christmas) is the Chestnut song. At first I was surprised, but then it made sense. You wouldn't think to call it a favorite, but everyone loves it. It's kind of how you never think to order a Patty Melt in a diner, then you see someone eating one and you think, "Oh, I should have gotten the Patty Melt." Additionally, why have roasted chestnuts not become a holiday staple along with candy canes, eggnog, and brown-sugar beef jerky?


#5 Blue Christmas (Elvis) - Look at just some of the other people who have done version of Blue Christmas: Celine Dion, Collective Soul, Marie Osmond, Johnny Cash, John Denver, The Bryan Setzer Orchestra, The Partridge Family, The Pretenders, Dean Martin, Bill Idol, Porky Pig. I would pay to go to a concert where each of those people just sang their version of Blue Christmas. How cool would that be?


#4 All I Want for Christmas is You (My Chemical Romance) - The definitive version is Mariah, of course; in fact, she actually WROTE the song. (I am not making that up.) However, my sister had her heart set on this Miley Cyrus version, which was something up with which I could not put. So, I compromised and went with My Chemical Romance. They aren't really my cup of tea, but SOMEBODY has to like them, since they have like three of the top ten videos EVER on You Tube. Whatever happened to the girl who sang this in Love Actually? She should be legal now, right? (Just Kidding...sorta)


#3 Santa Baby (Kylie Minogue) - In any universe devoid of spider monkeys Santa Baby is #1. It just is. I know it. You know it. Bob Dole knows it. The song is pure sex! However, many women seem to loathe the song with a passion. Oh, she's so materialistic! And that makes her different from other Side Note: a couple of years ago I tried to write an adaptation called "Santa Pirate" that didn't end up going anywhere. However, my favorite line was and still is, "So shiver up me timbers tonight."


#2 Santa Claus is Back in Town (Elvis) - You know how I just said that Santa Baby would be the clear-cut #1 if the Estrogen Mafia weren't running things? Scratch that. This song is not only twice as sexual as Santa Baby, but it's dirtier. I'm astounded it isn't more well-known. Look at some of the lyrics: "Got no sleigh with reindeer/No sack on my back/You're gonna see me comin' in a big black Cadillac..." It's not hard to read between the lines, huh? Santa/Elvis is not a fan of sheepksin. How about this: "Hang up your pretty stockings/And turn off the light/Santa Claus is comin' down your chimney tonight...." To further fight the female power, I found the kickassingist music video I could. It's good to be the Santa.

and the Number One Sexiest Christmas Song ever....


#1 Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Gloria Estefan) - This doesn't have the slap to the ass of the other two, but in a refined romantic way, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is as sexy as it gets. I have never heard a version on the radio that wasn't sung slowly, which is how most people like it. (Although: sometimes it's nice to speed things up, too.) Gloria and friends do a fabulous version here: a cappella! Plus, the song talks about the Fates, which is like some throw-back Odin worship or something, and that's always cool. What's not to love?

(Originally written December 2008)

Important Note: I listed who the singer was in each Video because people hate when they don't know. It was NOT my endorsement that the videos I have are THE Sexiest versions, merely what I used.

Honorable Mention:

I can't really call either of these songs "sexy." Heck, they aren't even really about Christmas! But they are often sung at Christmas, and there is something so hauntingly beautiful and stirring about them that it's not far off. (Links go to videos.)

and just for the sheer "Whoa!" factor - Try this Christmas Song. (Guys and Switch-Hitters only)

These songs made me remember another Christmas post from three years ago.

It's over on Hyperion After Dark, for Adults only!  If you need something to warm you up on a cold December day, check out:

(even though the story is steamy, you may want to be under a blanket - just in case...)

Patriotic Movies


#10 TOP GUN – Take my breath away! (Sorry, I had to.) There’s a reason they show this every July 4, and it’s not naked silhouettes (well, not JUST naked silhouettes). When Maverick takes down the evil Russian MiGs in the final act, you’ll want to join the Navy.

#9 JAMES BOND – I’m including all them here. Never has one man done so much to raise the coolness quotient of an other wise dorky country.

#8 ENEMY AT THE GATES – I know I personally wanted to kill Germans after watching this movie, if only to impress Rachel Weisz so she might get naked for me too.

#7 CANADIAN BACON – This movie is about Americans invading Canada (strangely, the Americans are played mostly by Canadians). However, you’ll end up with quite a bit of fondness for those Cannucks, as well as the morons who try to take them down. Best line, when an American threatens a Mounty with: “We have ways of making you pronounce the letter O.”

#6 ROCKY IV - Rocky goes to Russia to avenge the death of Apollo Creed. By the end of the fight (on Christmas, no less), even the evil Commies are cheering for Rocky, who makes a plea for peace. At least, we think that’s what he does. By now, no mortal can understand Sly.

#5 TORA TORA TORA – The best Pearl Harbor film ever made. I know that’s damning with faint praise, but it’s still great. You’ll switch from Playstation to X-Box after watching this.

#4 THE PATRIOT – A fairly ridiculous film (I’m pretty sure no British officer was that evil), Gibson runs around killing every red coat in sight. Viva la Revelucion!

#3 INDEPENDENCE DAY - The president of the United States (who’s incapable of lying, talk about wish-fulfillment), flies a fighter-jet to take down the Aliens, who are also thwarted by using software compatible with Apple, and not Windows.

#2 BRAVEHEART – My college roommate wore a kilt for a month after this came out. Who didn’t want to fight the (this time more legit) evil British after what they did to William Wallace’s wife? “But they will never take…our hot girls!”


#1 ALEXANDER NEFSKY – Probably the best film you’ve never heard of. Stalin originally wanted this for propaganda, but at first rejected it when Germany and Russia were buds before WWII. However, once that went by the wayside, he demanded it shown in every theatre in the country. But forget ol’ Mustache, NEFSKY is simply a breathtaking film. The evil Teutonic Knights are coming to enslave Mother Russia, and her sons must defend the homeland. Featuring the greatest land battle of all time – on melting ice going toward a waterfall. Supposedly based on a real battle, it contains the great quote: “Those who come to us with a sword will die from that sword.” Okay, it loses a little in translation, but you get the message.

[Top Ten List originally compiled with Marcellus, June 2005]

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The Mt. Rushmore of Law & Order

Last year my favorite sports columnist Bill Simmons started talking about "the Mt. Rushmore of...." and I instantly knew it was a winner I love ranking things (I have an entire site dedicated to it), but the Rushmore model is so intuitive to grasp. Four names only, so there are no sentimental choices. There aren't enough spots to pay homage: you need titans, and titans only.

To explain (for my international and North Carolina readers): in South Dakota there is a giant freaking rock called Mt. Rushmore. In case you have already forgotten the picture at the beginning, here is another look:

You will perhaps notice there are "faces" carved into the rock. Those faces are of America's greatest presidents: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln.

(Why Teddy Roosevelt and not James "the Incredible" Polk? That's a long story, which we'll get into another time, but for now, let's say this: only one president has ever had a bear named after him. That's right. The Teddy Bear comes from Roosevelt. And no, I don't consider Tummi Gummi to have been named after Taft.)

Anyway: when you have a "Mt. Rushmore" debate, what you're asking is, "If they were to carve the Mt. Rushmore of _________, who should be on it?"

Simple, right? Four names. Four faces. That's it.

Over New Year's my brother and Carlos visited me, and we spent approximately 485 hours arguing every Mt. Rushmore you could think of. Some day I may share those, but this morning I felt moved to act when R.K. Milholland (my favorite web cartoonist ) Started Twittering about how Law & Order has returned to its former glory days. This may or may not be true, but it caused me to reoly as to who the best ADA was, which caused Milholland to write me back. (This is how Twitter works. You can actually write big-shots like a universe-famous web-cartoonist, and sometimes they write back.)

Bottom Line: My brain shifted into "If they made the Mt. Rushmore of Law & Order...." and I knew I had something. A quick inventory of the more than 25 principle characters of Law & Order reveals 3 absolute locks, which leaves 5 or 6 possible choices for the fourth slot. Below are my picks, along with a brief explanation of why some didn't make it.

(Get it: granite/granted? Fine: don't laugh.)

Detective Mike Logan (Chris Noth) - The backbone of the show for so many years. Didn't make it because his C.I. work sullied Logan's legacy, Noth's association with SATC, and I never liked that plaid tie.

Lt. Anita Van Buren (S. Epatha Merkerson) - I've seen Merkerson in other things, and the girl can act, but she rarely gets the change to say more than one or two lines, and they are usually boring.

Ed Green (Jesse L. Martin) - Even if we were going to overlook his participation in RENT, Martin never got enough to do as Green. I suspect Ed Green could have anchored the show, though.

Assistant District Attorney Claire Kincaid (Jill Hennessy) - Loved the never-acknowledged romance between Claire and Jack; cannot forgive her for waiting until Crossing Jordan to grow hair out and become Smoking hot.

A.D.A. Paul Robinette (Richard Brooks) - LOVE this character, one of the best things about old episodes. Just not on long enough.

Executive A.D.A. Ben Stone (Michael Moriarty) - It absolutely breaks my heart to leave Ben Stone off the L&O Rushmore. I loved his determination and doggedness but cluelessness about office politics. Exactly what you'd want in a D.A. Stone was there in the ground-breaking days, when they lost as much as they won, and tackled tough issues honestly without the need for the "Don't miss the last five minutes!!!!! twist-gimmick that became such a staple of this decade. (Not that I'm bitter.) On a personal note, I think Moriarty is one of the most underrated actors of all time. Were it not for the fact that he is quite possibly insane, I think he would be considered a lion of TV history. I have been working on a TV show idea for years with the understanding that no matter what, Moriarty is the only person I'd ever want to play the main character.

Special Shout Out - Dr. Emil Skoda (J.K. Simmons) - He wasn't on the show enough to be considered, but I cannot think of another psychiatrist I have enjoyed seeing more on television. What a refreshing changed to have a no-B.S. shrink.

[SIDE NOTE: I know that not everyone will have the same four characters I do. That's okay; you can't have all thought it through and have as good a judgment. But can we all, right here, right now, have a bond? Can we all agree that Serena Southerlyn was far-and-away the worst character ever? Thank you.]


Detective Lennie Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) - As no-brainer as it gets. Lennie had toughness, charm, class (but not too much) and a world-weary attitude we all loved. Plus, he single-handedly revived the funny-line to end the opening. Nobody ever did it better. Admit it: if Lennie Briscoe told you something, you'd believe him. (And he was freakin' Lumiere!)

District Attorney Adam Schiff (Steven Hill) - My favorite character in all of Law & Order. I haven't enjoyed a cynical curmudgeon this much since Statler and Waldorf. Schiff had the comic timing of a god, and he never over-played his part. He rarely got much red meat (except for the incredible episode where his wife was on life-support), but he always added gravitas, humor and heart to any scene he was in. Absolutely love him.

Executive District Attorney Jack McCoy (Sam Watterson) - I will freely admit that my questionably heterosexual love affair with Ben Stone made me discount McCoy for a few seasons, but he eventually won me over by carving out a unique character. It says a lot about a character that we could follow for so many seasons and yet not always root for! Jack was like that: you trusted him one moment, was appalled the next. He always seemed to go right to the edge, and maybe even peeked over, but usually his conscience would real him in. This new role for him (as D.A.) has brought even more depth to the character. We're not on our 14th season of Jack McCoy and still going strong.

A.D.A. Jamie Ross (Carey Lowell) - This fourth spot on the Mt. Rushmore of Law & Order was a tough call, but I made it and I expect you to fall in line. Jamie was toĊ­gh as nails without coming off strident (cough cough Abbie Carmichael cough cough), and was sensitive without appearing maudlin. She was sexy as hell without ever flaunting it, and she related so well to anyone. Close your eyes and think of every A.D.A. right now. Did any of them get along better with the cops than Jamie? And also get along with the bosses? No, they didn't. While I love the energy of the early years, it was in the Jamie Ross era that Law & Order had its best run. Maybe that was partially the writing, but I think a fair amount of praise should go to a character that pulled things together without even trying.

It's official. I now have it in my blood, so expect to see more Mt. Rushmore columns. If you have an idea for one please email me. And if for some reason you think I have overlooked anyone in the Law & Order universe (maybe you have a thing for Russian hats), by all means leave a comment and explain why I'm wrong. If you convince me I'll write a separate column trumpeting your Awesomeness.

From the Mountaintop,

May 14, 2009
(106 days B.H.E.)

Yogi Berra: Half the Lies they Say about Him aren't True

It's Yogi Berra's 84th Birthday, and in honor I wanted to run my favorite quotes of his. The reason Yogi was so quotable was his lovable way of mangling metaphors. Yogi wasn't stupid--you always knew what he was saying, even if you didn't know what he was saying. Some of these you've heard so many times they are practically cliche, but remember: they were not cliche when he said them, because he is the first one to say them! After each quote I have a comment in [brackets], which won't be quite as quotable, but I'm working on it. Enjoy.


10) When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. [To people who don't know him it sounds like Yogi's a bad comedian, but once you understand him you see how he thinks. It almost makes sense!]

9) I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. [I'm plagued wondering: what did he think an encyclopedia is?]

8) You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you. [I was talking to someone the other day about a mathematical formula to determine whether something is profound. I think Yogi Berra would destroy physics as we know it.]

7) Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical. [And 20% is luck.]

6) Even Napoleon had his Watergate. [Here's a puzzler: Put Napoleon in Nixon's place and vice-versa. What happens? The same? Different? Does the world still exist? I could think about that for hours.]

5) If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. [How can I top that? I can't, so let me take this opportunity to answer what most of you are wondering: yes, in all likelihood Yogi the Bear was named after Yogi Berra, because of how lovable Yogi Berra was. No, Yogi Berra was not amused.]

4) In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. [This seems almost brilliant! Maybe we're the dyslexic ones and people like Yogi are the ones who see clearly.]

3) Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. [Admit it: those who never heard of Yogi are almost starting to be fond of him, huh?]

2) It ain't over till it's over. [The first time you read a Yogi quote he seems like a goofball, but the more you see it, the more profound he gets.]

and my favorite Yogi Berra quote is....

1) It's like deja-vu, all over again. [So iconic it feels like one of Plato's forms...]

And one bonus quote, that I totally forgot to put in the list:

The future ain't what it used to be.

[Ain't it the truth]

The title of this post is from another quote I couldn't get in!

Six Signs You Should Take a VOW OF SILENCE


1) Your voice has been known to cause epileptic deaf people.

2) Dick Cheney & Bill Maher set up a 24-Hour Hotline offering counseling to people you spoke to.

3) Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is creating a Broadway Musical ("Great Satan Get Your Gun") using your words as lyrics for the songs.

4) Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly both call and offer to become unpaid interns.

5) What you say ends up huting and alienating everyone you care about, leaving a trail of desolation and destruction in your wake.

6) You're Fran Drescher.

[Originally posted on TWITTER. Follow my Cruel yet Endearing Genius.]

Julianne Moore

As I'm sure you already know and are celebrating.....On THIS day, 25 years ago, Julianne Moore appeared on screen for the first time. (Okay, it was TV, on USA, in a show no one has ever heard of, but a screen is a screen.)

When I found out my friend A.B. is an obsessive Julianne Moore fan, it seemed like a good idea to collaborate on a list of Top Ten Moore films. You know I take this stuff seriously. I like to start with the full working credits and winnow down the list, making sure nothing gets overlooked.

A.B. was inclined to take a......less systematic approach. She started declaring "#1 is X....#2 is Y..." with ABSOLUTE CONVICTION before I could even get her the full list!

I quickly ascertained that our two different approaches (myself logical, reasonable, objective, A.B.....uh, a woman) would never never produce an agreed-upon list. Therefore, I have turned over the actual decision making to her, while I limit myself to the occasional snarky comment. (Also all the work.)

A.B. tried to judge the "movie" more than the performance, since, as she put it, "Julianne Moore can do no wrong ever. In fact, we should beBFF's! Tell Julianne to call me!"

Even under her "rules," I had to rag on some of her choices; not so much what made the list, but what got left out. I would have put in THE FUGITIVE, SURVIVING PICASSO, THE LOST WORLD and COOKIE'S FORTUNE. (A.B.'s excuse for omitting Julianne's turn as a skeptical surgeon in THE FUGITIVE is that the role amounts to little more than a cameo, but I would point you to #10 and #8 on her list. The logic of women.....)

Anyway, without further ado....


#10 THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE - "She was a great bitch and she died by having a greenhouse fall on her I believe. (The way I have always hope to go.)"

[Hyperion's Note: I couldn't find any good pictures for this movie, so I used that painting.]

#9 LAWS OF ATTRACTION - "It is mildly amusing and if I remember correctly there is a drink called Goat Balls in it. And we know the thing I have for goats ..."

[Hyperion's Note: I found lots of good pictures for this movie, but I wanted to use the second painting. Don't judge me.]

#8 THE BIG LEBOWSKI - "It just makes me laugh and I love that she does those kind of movies along with the highbrow."

[Hyperion's Note: I've tried to watch this movie like 10 times and have never been able to get into it. There are people who SWEAR by this movie. Maybe it's just hit-or-miss with the Coen Brothers and me. I loved O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, while I hated FARGO with all my heart. Or maybe it's because I've never smoked pot.]

#7 THE HOURS - "She was the best thing in that mess."

[Hyperion's Note - THE HOURS is one of those achingly beautiful movies that everyone agrees is great but no one likes to watch. I agree with A.B., though: they should have just made the whole movie about Julianne Moore's character.]

#6 THE END OF THE AFFAIR - "I am a sucker for melodrama and it was lovely."

#5 NINE MONTHS - "Its charming and sweet and she is so talented that she can do Safe and turn around and do NINE MONTHS equally well."

[Hyperion's Note: When NINE MONTHS came out I was still in love with Hugh Grant, left over from FOUR WEDDINGS, and so I loved this movie, Divine Brown notwithstanding. Now that my love for Hugh has faded I can barely stand it.]

#4 SAFE - "So intense and she's so sad and confused in it .... and to think that she made Safe and Nine Months in the same year amazes me."

#3 SHORT CUTS - "It took balls to do a whole scene with her bush out....and it was what made me fall so in love with her."

[Hyperion's Note: Julianne Moore is naked an awful lot in her movies. Words need to be said about that, and A.B.'s comment makes this a good spot. I heard Moore talk about her on-screen nudity somewhere, but I can't find the quote, so I'm paraphrasing from memory.

Basically Moore's contention is that she doesn't mind nudity because it's the "purest" form of acting. When her clothes are off there is nowhere to hide from the audience, and that makes her vulnerable and (in her opinion) brings out her best work. I ran this theory by my mom once, and she was very skeptical, but if you watch Moore's films, I think you have to admit there is a marked lack of sexuality and eroticism in the nude scenes, so maybe she's being straight.

(I am writing this paragraph at the end, so A.B. didn't get to approve it, but I can just see her reading it now and getting offended at the suggestion that I MIGHT have been contemplating doubting Saint Julianne's word.)

Also: not for nothing, but just because Julianne Moore's nude scenes in her movies aren't hot, doesn't mean she can't be hot while naked. Google "Julianne Moore naked" and remember I told you that the next time you think I never give you anything. Okay, back to the list.]

#2 FAR FROM HEAVEN - "Because you could see how much Todd Haynes LOVED the Douglas Sirk melodrama in every frame of the film and she perfectly captured that type of heroine."

and the number one Julianne Moore movies according to A.B. is.....

#1 BOOGIE NIGHTS - "This is #1 because that movie was filled with awesome performances and I still remember every one of her scenes and she wasn't even the star."

All Movie titles in the list link to that page on IMDB. See Julianne Moore' full list of credits.

PS - This list almost didn't happen. Over on my blog, I write about how Facebook and Bear saved the day at the last minute....sorta.

PPS - A.B. absolutely hates Verdana Font. That'll teach her to leave out THE FUGITIVE!!!!

2009 Oscar Gowns


Romance was back in 2009's Oscar fashions and I, for one, was very happy. There were a few fashion missteps (ahem...Jessica Biel) but for the most part everyone was dressed to impress.

Here are my 10 favourites:

10. Heidi Klum - Heidi was looking absolutely gorgeous in this fiery red Roland Mouret gown. The origami style top and the super-high slit made for a daring fashion statement. I loved her killer shoes.

9. Evan Rachel Wood - Evan's champagne Elie Saab gown was so simple and elegant.

8. Natalie Portman - Natalie's fuchsia Rodarte gown was a rare pop of fresh, bold colour on this year's sea of neutral coloured gowns.

7. Angelina Jolie - Angelina's black Elie Saab gown can truly be described as a classic. The glimmering emerald earrings were the perfect accessories for this simple gown.

6. Marisa Tomei - Marisa Tomei surprised with this amazing silver Versace gown. That train is a masterpiece. It was definitely one of the most dramatic gowns of the night.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker - Sarah Jessica Parker's Dior haute couture gown was stunning. She described the colour as 'barely mint' and I don't think anyone else could have pulled off this dress.

4. Taraji P. Henson - Taraji Henson proved she belonged on the red carpet with this creamy gown by Roberto Cavalli gown.

3. Penelope Cruz - Penelope is always one to watch on the red carpet and this time was no exception. Her cream coloured vintage Balmain gown with all of the rouching and lace details was actually more than 60 years old. She wore it well.

2. Anne Hathaway - Anne's gown was sophisticated in this jewel encrusted white gown from Armani Prive.

1. Kate Winslet - Kate's Yves Saint Laurent gown was a two-tone steel grey gown with the transparent beaded black down the side. This gown was absolutely gorgeous.


[Hyperion's Note: Thanks to Dragon for taking the time to do this. Since I create quite a few lists, I know how hard it can be. My specific thoughts on her choices are in the comments.]