The NFL started last night, which means that Fantasy Football started too. I wrote about my pathetic team this year on my blog. But that doesn't stop me from being hopeful, as is the sports enjoyer's curse. And it certainly doesn't stop me from shamelessly using my league-mates to fashion this top ten list. [For the pictures, I typed their team names exactly into Google Images. Don't blame me if you don't like what came up.]
#12 ROFLsberger - This was a dumb name LAST YEAR, which not only makes it boring, but old [I had to add "sexy" to the image search. I think we're all glad I did.]#11 Raegan's Red Dogs - I know Raegan is the daughter of the Team Owner, so I cannot say anything too inflammatory, but he had a Raegan theme last year, so, meh. #10 Chad Ocho Cinco's House of Pancakes - I got tired of "Ocho Cinco" about five minutes after I heard it. The team name does not inspire much more confidence. #09 The Memester's Union - I have to give some points; it took me five minutes to figure out what the name even was! (The owner is wicked smaht, causing me to think "Memester" might be some astro-physics term. Finally it dawned on me that the word "memester" did not rhyme with "semester," but "Teamster," which means the title is actually clever, except: A) I was in the Teamster's Union once, and have unhappy memories, and B) I'M ALMOST SURE THE "MEME" HE SPEAKS OF IS THE KIND OF MEME THAT IS NOT A &((^*(((&*^%^ MEME AND ALWAYS CAUSES HYPERION TO LOSE HIS *&^)^&*^%!!!!!!!!!11#08 The Clock Strikes 31:01 - This name honors a recently departed father, so I'm not going to hate, but a name's a name, and not knowing the story, it just doesn't do much for me. [btw, the picture already said "the hat was my idea;" I didn't write it in]#07 King of All Wild Things - Another "honor thy child" name. What happened to the days of honoring filthy inside jokes, dead empires, and sluts? (Or, in the case of the Lady Jane Scarlett, all three?) This name would have been "fresh" in 2003. Now I just move on. #06 Endcat - Another craze that is a bit past its prime, but it's hard not to love that guy. One word team names are always cool, too. #05 Byzantine Red Apples - Finally, some history! Byzantine is a great word, if for no other reason than you can use it in almost any context (as an adjective), and the odds are great the other person will have no idea you're making up the usage. I'm not wild about "Red Apple" though. Lot of red in this year's names. [I had to add "sexy" to the Byzantine Red Apples" image search, but it's still pretty impressive.]#4 Okinawa Red Storm - Speaking of which, we get to the second name honoring the departed father, but this one speaks to me. (Maybe it's because I know the backstory.) I LOVED Red Storm Rising, one of the best war books ever written, and the Okinawa angle just makes it all the more exotic. Kudos. #3 Dinosaurs, Gravity and Other Myths - This is fabulous, although one could wish he'd added "Infinity" and "Objective Woman" to the list. Now that I think about it, I'm sure the science-minded team owner was mocking people who don't believe in dinosaurs or gravity, but it remains fact that A) no one has ever seen a dinosaur and B) Gravity is a force, and just a description of one at that. No one really has the faintest clue what's actually going on. For all we know Gravity DOESN'T exist, and the observed phenomenon comes from something else entirely. Always worth remembering: The total accumulation of science is, historically speaking, just the latest list of "facts" and "knowledge" that has yet to be proven wrong. [Not sure how Dinosaur AND Gravity is being depicted in the photo, but I like it.]#2 Division By Absolute Zero - I am wild about this name, although, it would have been EVEN MORE CLEVERERER to say "Division by Minus Two-Seventy-Three Kelvin." I joked with the team owner that this was the only Division he had a prayer of actually winning. (hee hee.) Moreover, I maintain you CAN divide by zero. We just haven't figured out how. [I guess Google Images thinks that Division by Absolute Zero will destroy the earth?]and the number one Fantasy Football Team name is......#1 Savage Tribe of Ice Whores - If you had to guess, which one do you think is mine? Okay, okay, I had last year's best team name, but I stoutly maintain that it has less to do with the judge's conflict of interest than in fact that I'm a Naming Machine. Face it: I am the Adam of our age. I like the word "Savage" a lot, and Tribe will (I think) become the word I am most known for five or ten years from now. (HYPERION'S LIFETIME FORESHADOWING!!!) As for Ice Whores, it was an old band name for some of the Monkeys, and I like it because it works on three (count 'em 3) levels. First, you have Hoar, which means icy to begin with, so, homonymmy goodness right there. Then, you have ANOTHER homonym, in eyesore, and Lord knows any team of mine is bound to be a snaggle-tooth bunch. (Just look at the woe-begotten trim I let into Monkey Barn.) Third, and, and most importantly: Ice Whores. I mean, C'mon! Is there a more tantalizing (or scary) proposition than that? And they're a savage tribe to boot? Of course it's number one. Could there be any debate? (no.) Even Jesus agrees.
