Ajax steals a movie

Proving his continuing loyalty (hint hint fellow Monkey Barners), Ajax sent me a list of his 15 favorite heist films. He wanted me to point out that several were remakes, but most people know this and they hold up well, so those are the ones he's talking about. (He didn't know this, but it's a great segue into my Movie-Hype comparing both versions of THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE.) Everyone has different tastes, and I personally wouldn't have all these films or in this order, but I'd probably have two thirds of them. Hey: I'm never going to look a guest-list in the mouth, but in this case, even more kudos are in order. (And who knows? Maybe he'll inspire me to do my own list and we can argue about it over all-you-can-eat chinese food.)

15. Hudson Hawk: If you can't see how brilliant it is, go watch stupid Die Hard again or something.

14. Gone in Sixty Seconds: 50 top end cars in one night. Vinnie Jones as Sphinx was priceless.

13. Out of Sight: Clooney again, robbing banks, spending time in jail, escaping, romancing the girl, and a surprise appearance by Samuel L. Jackson.

12. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: A bunch of English friends heisting the heisters.

11. Sexy Beast: Ben Kingsley's character, Don Logan, is only tangentially connected to the heist in the film, but every second is mesmerizing. And there's giant fanged bunnies.

10. Killing Zoë: Imagine Pulp Fiction in a French bank on Bastille Day. With more Heroin.

9. Entrapment: Zeta-Zones doing some sort of bendy exercises in spandex. And I guess she and Connery steal something as well.

8. Swordfish: Setting aside Travolta's weird haircut and Berry's topless scene, Jackman made a pretty sexy computer nerd.

7. The Score: DeNiro and Norton as Canadian thieves out to outdo one another.

6. Heat: The family drama really drags, but the actual heist portions of this movie have the same 'you are there' intensity as D-Day in Saving Private Ryan.

5. Heist: Gene Hackman and Danny DeVito. I'd like to go with French Connection, but I'm not completely sure that was a heist flick.

4. Thomas Crown Affair: Its good to see Denis Leary doing non-Disney. And both Brosnan and Russo naked. Oh, and the painting thing is neat too.

3. Italian Job: Drops to three because of Ed Norton's porno stash.

2. Ocean's Eleven: George Clooney is the new Chairman. Slick and cool.

And Ajax’s #1 Heist film of all time….

1. Usual Suspects: So good, you don't even know you're conned until the last second.

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Little Sister's Favorite Disney Movies

My youngest sister was kind enough to help me out with today's top ten list. I asked her to list her favorite Disney animated films and (briefly) why. This is what she came up with:

10. Bambi- What more do you need to entertain and scar a small child? We all know that Bambi single handedly frightened children from their fathers...the dreaded man!

9. Peter Pan- I like this mainly because I remember wanting to fly away from my parents with a cute boy. I even tried glitter for pixie dust...who said that?

8. Robin Hood- Every movie should have a singing rooster...plus if you count the times they use alliterated synonyms...it comes up to like 21 or something. "You Procrastinating Python!"

7. Snow White- The first and some would argue the best. I myself think the forest coming to life always diminished my liking for this movie, but seeing dopey swallow soap is classic.

6. Mulan- My brother took me to see this, to this day it is one of my favorite nights. Besides the horse kicking Eddie Murphy's ass is worth it. "Down Bessy!"

5. Cinderella- There's nothing not to love about Cinderelly...so there!

4. Aladdin- Fun movie, but would be nowhere near the top without Robin Williams.

3. Lion King- This movie makes me cry to this day. I will never be able to look at the stars without seeing James Earl Jones...in lion form of course.

2. Beauty and the Beast- My sister and I used to scare people we just met by singing the entire Little Town song...with voices!

1. Little Mermaid- I remember wanting to be her more than Kelly Kapowski! I wanted to be part of her world..sniff sniff. This will always be my favorite..and every time I watch King Tritan give her away, I have to hug my dad! "Kiss The Girl WAH WAH!"

Think you can do better? Here is a list of all animated Disney movies. Let me know you're working on a top ten list of your own and we'll schedule you in.

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Countries that begin with the letter N

With the all-important birth of Shiloh, Namibia is suddenly on the map. This prompted me to do a top ten list of countries that begin with the letter N. (I’ve linked them all too, in case you want to learn.)

#10 New Caledonia – I preferred Old Caledonia, but what are you going to do?

#9 Nauru – The world’s smallest Island nation, but as the Naruians like to say, “It’s not the size of the island, but how you plant the flag.”

#8 Nagorno-Karabakh – I’m pretty sure this is also a spell incantation Harry Potter used. (Extra credit if you can even get the right continent.)

#7 Norway – National Motto: “We’re not Finland!”

#6 Namibia – Soon to change their name to “Brangelina.”

#5 Nicaragua – Anyone who invented Contra (and later Super Contra) gets my vote.

#4 Nepal – If only for the flag and all the ass-kicking

#3 Netherlands – “So tell me again about the hash bars….”

#2 Nigeria – Will be more important than Japan in your lifetime.

And the number one country that starts with the letter N…

#1 New Zealand – It’s Middle Earth, people! ‘Nuff said.

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Monkey Mutants

In honor of the new X-Men movie coming out I asked the Monkey Barners what kind of Mutant power they would like to have and what name they would take if they joined Wolverine and Co. The following is what they came up with. Note: the order was selected with a random number generator. I'm way too smart to tell them which I think was best. I don't want them competing for my love...unless there's an entry fee.

IF MONKEY BARNERS MUTATED...

(Succubus on top)

Succubus - the power to make people fall under my spell and do my bidding as I choose. (Sea Hag)

(When Koz's wife saw him for the first time she said, "the last time I saw something that size it had an eraser on the end of it.")

Dirk Diggler – “I’d be a three-legged man, if you know what I mean.” (Koz”)

(There's no truth to the rumor that Dominique has mulitple personalities)

Weizer - ability to understand the insanity that is the male mindEden - ability to grow and control all plant lifeQuartz - ability to control time - freeze it and move things - or speed it up around you and remain the same (Dominique)

(According to his wife, this is Ajax's actual high school year book photo)

Handsome Devil – “I’d have red skin, horns and such, and have a bagful of fire and heat powers. And I'd be a big hit with the ladies: after a hard, stressful day fighting the evil villain du jour, I'd heat up the Jacuzzi to perfect muscle-relaxation temperature. Woot.” (Ajax)

(Can't all women read minds?)

Synapse – Telekinesis, and didn’t I already tell you this? (Lady Jane Scarlett)

(I got your Doppler Effect right here)

Siren – “My voice would enchant anyone who hears it. My victims would be lulled into submission and then I'd slit their throats (or tie them up).” (Dragon)Siren.

(L. Ron prolly isn't what Philo had in mind, but you find a State Man!)

State Man – “My mutation is Sovereign Immunity. I would never have to pay taxes, I would never be subject to suit or criminal sanctions. Anyone within my "personal space" would be subject to my authority.” (Philogynist)

(Bear may not be original, but he has excellent taste, and he's less filling)

Sandman - Being able to project "dreams" or "alternate realities" in people's minds. (Bear)

(that pink stuff on the table? That's Matthew Fox)

Neutrino - the power to make men quiver until they turn to jello. Raspberry. (Schrodinger)

(okay, she's not that funny, but you gotta admit; she's merry!)

Merry – “I would have the mutant ability to make people laugh. Until they died from lack of oxygen. Sort of like a good guy Joker, but without the crazy make-up. Probably with the bad puns, though.” (Tracy Lynn, who else?)

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Best Threequels

Yesterday we looked at the Worst Threequels ever, and today we look at the best.

Before I get there, a moment for those films that don’t really fit anywhere. Sometimes a Threequel is clearly inferior to the original film, but in and of itself is a still a good movie. In other words, there is some love there. I’m talking about films like BACK TO THE FUTURE III, MATRIX REVOLUTIONS, BATMAN FOREVER and TERMINATOR 3. They aren’t terrible, but they don’t raise the bar, either.

Finally, I have to admit I agonized over the top three for days. I know most people won’t even care, but I do. So before you give uneducated opinions, know that much thought went into this.

THE TOP TEN THREEQUELS OF ALL TIME

#10 RAMBO III – I haven’t seen any of the First Bloods, and only put this on the list because of Ajax, so if you disagree blame him.

#9 SCREAM 3 – The funniest of the three, and one of the few horror threequels to stand up.

#8 TROIS COULEURS: ROUGE – Along with the first two films, BLUE and WHITE, the best trilogy you’ve never heard of.

#7 ROCKY III – With Clubber Lang and Thunderlips, how can you lose?

#6 EVIL DEAD 3: ARMY OF DARKNESS – “Yo, She-bitch…let’s go!” and even better: “Gimme some sugar, baby!”

#5 HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN – Can I please start lusting after Emma Watson? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

#4 INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE – “Indiana? We named the dog Indiana!” (By the way, didn’t you love the way that German chick cut his lip when she kissed him?

#2 (tie) REVENGE OF THE SITH and RETURN OF THE JEDI – Not even Yoda could choose between them.

And the number one Threequel of all time….

#1 RETURN OF THE KING – I believe Aragorn said it best: “Hold your ground, hold your ground. Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day. This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!”

Up Next: Monkey Barners turn into X-Men!

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