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Hyperion's Band Names

I have long felt that if you give me the genre, I can provide a killer band name. Last week I examined the best current (or former) band names in different categories, but I can blow them out of the water. This is the best list I’ve ever done


#11 Dictator Tots (post-Wheezer) – You can almost hear the music in your head, can’t you? Jumpy, bright…you can never tell if they’re being ironic or not. Their first album would be The BLKF Theory.

#10 Gingivitis (Grunge) – This band name alone might totally bring back Grunge to the music scene.

#9 Pilate Error (Christian) –In case you weren’t up on these things, the Bible tells us that Pilate was ultimately responsible for having Jesus killed, and it’s a play on words with pilots. Get it? I know it’s lame, but have you heard Christian music or seen what they’re calling their bands lately? This will fit right in.

#8 Olive Transfer Snatch (College Radio) – I am not entirely sure what this music would sound like (Hyperion has too much self-respect to listen to college radio), but know that everyone would want to own a tee shirt.

#7 Monkey’s Punk (Punk) – This is a no brainer. You read the name, but do me a favor and say it out loud. Did you catch it? Say it again. See? Is there any punk fan on earth that wouldn’t love that?

#6 Viscosity/Thermal Breakdown (Metal) – Ever since I saw those Castrol commercials about how your engine will have bad viscosity (which leads to thermal breakdown) unless you use their motor oil, I just knew that either term would make a great band name. Can’t you see some long-haired thrashing going on with these bands?

#5 Dominion Over Everything Totally Sweet (Pop) – You just KNOW they’d all be dressing like ninjas in their first video. I can see the band being led by a chick, who would do ninja stuff on stage…and bring the freaking house down.

#4 Jedi Dwarf (Rock) – Rock wouldn’t be the only genre that could handle this name. Who wouldn’t want to be called this? Seriously: I’m thinking about legally changing my name.

#3 Alligator God/Ghost Alligator (Cyber) – I can’t decide which would be a better name, but either way, you can totally see them producing some great Moby-esque tracks at a rave. (And yes, this name is in honor of Brajj.)

#2 F***d Up Muffins (Garage Band) – Since the name’s goodness speaks for itself, a quick story on how I named it. Koz and I were planning on meeting at Phipps Plaza by the movie theatre. Since it was a big place, we were trying to narrow it down, and I couldn’t remember the name of the food court shop right next to the theatre. I said, “You know that place right next the theatre….F***d Up Muffins?” I instantly knew this would not only make a great great name for a muffin shop, but a band name as well.

#1 Kinslayer and Smidget (Folk) – Just writing those words I’m getting all excited about calling Ticket Master and getting some primo seats. (And I don’t even care about the $34 service charge!) This totally needs to be a duo, kind of Simon and Garfunkle meets Elvis, unplugged. I suppose I should tell the origin story here too. Kinslayer is a term used in my favorite book series, the Wheel of Time, about a guy who goes crazy and kills his family (hey: we’ve all been there). Smidget came about when we first moved to Georgia. I had heard about this pastor’s daughter named Leah, who was supposedly hell on wheels. Everyone kept talking about her (including my brother Achmed, whom I’m fairly sure had a major crush), and anyway, at a picnic I finally was introduced. She was like 4 feet tall! I looked at her and exclaimed, “You’re a sexy midget! I shall call you Smidget!” The name totally stuck, and to this day people call her that.

I think I’m going to go write some songs.